As 2024 comes to a close, the year seems to have flown by while also feeling incredibly long. Personally, this year was challenging in many respects. Outwardly, there are many things to be thankful for. I own a home, thanks to travel nursing, which is becoming increasingly difficult for my generation to achieve. It has become my witchy sanctuary and truly brings me joy. However, it's also burdensome. I have to consider things breaking and needing repairs, which means I need more savings and can't enjoy spending on play as much as I used to. On the surface, I understood this, but now I feel it more deeply and am questioning whether this sacrifice is worth it for my adventurous Sagittarius ascendant nature.
I left my conventional nursing job last September to fully pursue my holistic psychedelic practice. It certainly took courage and faith. I jumped (perhaps without enough planning)! I needed to. I learned a lot. One of the biggest lessons being that I needn't attach my worth to whether I’m “successful” in building a thriving financially sustaining practice. This lesson was tough and forced me to realize how often I source outside of myself for love and worth. Oooof, still healing the deepest of wounds. New layers every damn day. Ultimately, I was driven back into a full time nursing position to “pay the bills”. One of my favorite quotes to recall, “The most successful people have also failed the most.” It’s a reminder to take the lessons with me and keep going.
Last November I started a Witches Womxn’s circle called Moon Tribe. This group has been a blessing for me this last year. I feel like I birthed a baby and am watching it grow organically. It’s such a special group filled with magical womxn that deeply care for making a difference in the world and in their own inner landscapes. I am filled with love and hope every other Thursday when we meet. (It’s an open coven if you want to join!)
I grew a cannabis plant for the first time in my backyard, and named her Peaches. I cannot express how much joy that sacred plant brought to me. Again, she was a saving grace for me. I was able to go outside daily and adore Gaia in all of her forms. This plant grew so incredibly fast and felt rewarding to harvest her gorgeous, sticky buds to be used in my breathwork ceremonies. Again, I have so much gratitude for this plant medicine. (Click here to watch my Peaches Journey)
So, yah, on the outside, my life was full of blooming friendships, love, and experiences…. But on the inside, I felt so unlike myself. I had trouble staying in my lightness of being. There were certainly moments of joy, albeit fleeting. I was depressed. What I discovered was that I was resisting going back into a cocoon phase. I JUST did this a few years ago after my earth-shaking breakup and achilles rupture. I didn’t want to go there again, as I had felt I was just growing some resemblance of wings. But here I was at a choice point. I could continue on the way I was - halfway experiencing light while the darkness was beckoning. Or, I could surrender. I could simply allow myself to go inward once again - explore the sticky insides that need my attention - go into the darkness and allow for this new phase of liquefaction to occur.
"I could simply allow myself to go inward once again - explore the sticky insides that need my attention"
So here I am. I’m still “in it”, but rather than feeling depressed and in a state of resistance, I am just allowing myself to be different than I was. I am not comparing myself to others that are galavanting and playing (although I do catch myself in moments). I am not forcing myself to do anything that doesn’t feel in alignment with where I am at this moment. What I'm doing is exploring what depression truly means for me. I've only experienced depression a couple of times in my life, and each time it has prompted me to change something. Last time, it was external changes. This time, it's internal changes.
I turn 44 in January. I am entering the second half of my life. Some call it a midlife crisis, I’m choosing to call it my midlife awakening. I’m awakening to all the ways that I have abandoned myself to please others. All the ways that I bypass my inner desires and needs to ensure I am loved and not abandoned. This awareness is not new, but it’s deepening. So rather than feeling depressed as I have over the last year, I’m moving into this new year of my life with a sense of resilience and curiosity.
To anyone reading this right now, thank you for being on this journey of healing with me. If any of this resonates with you, my hope is that you recognize we are not alone in this. By sharing vulnerably, we don’t feel so isolated in our struggles. This human life is so full of beauty, love and joy - AND can be so utterly challenging. We thrive in community. We are interdependent beings and need each other. We cannot do this alone. Find your community. Open your heart to your community. Deepen with your people. This is the way forward.
Comments